Odd Jobs
My first weekend in China I got a job that was ridiculous: I was hired to be Polish for five hours. It is no more bonkers or complicated than that. To the Chinese, all whites are English speaking people whose origin is any place from Vladivostok to Lisbon to Valparaiso to Perth. I was in a kiosk at a jewelry exposition selling amber jewelry and somehow my being Polish tripled their sales. But even though I was the manager 5 minutes in by sole virtue of being of European descent, the day got even better.
At lunch time my employer/supervisor/paymaster/employee asked me what I wanted. As a half joke I said "two large beers."
"Ok and what do you want to eat?"
(wondering if she didn't understand) "I drink 2 large beers for lunch every Saturday."
"Yes Yes, good. But what you want to eat?"
At this point I felt like I was in a dream where I may not get what I want, but there were no consequences for any statements. To get the conversation to end and hope that the beers actually might come, rather than asking for unicorn filet I said
"I dunno, rice."
"And on top of your rice?"
This seemed like it could go on forever ala “Dude Where’s My Car” so I responded
"If you come to my home I will choose your lunch, so you choose mine here... but don’t forget the 2 beers haha."
"Ah Ah Ah, ok yes."
I didn't know what to expect. Was my employer turned employee really going to not only let me drink on the job but also pay for it?
She bought one food dish for herself and two for me. And then instead of 2, she bought 3 large beers.
I pounded them like the hungover Pole that I was and then she said
"Do you want more?"
What is happening? Is this a trick? Am I in work heaven?
"Maybe later." I said to be safe and think about the situation. But after an hour and a half she caught my thoughts
"Here."
Two more tall beers. At work. For free. Under my employer's supervision. I murdered them and the angel said
"You prefer strong alcohol?"
"What?" I couldn't pinch myself hard enough.
"I get you Chinese wine, what percent do you want?"
"What?"
"What degree you like?"
"I have no idea how to answer this, um I guess 40"
"Ok ok. I be right back."
“No, no, no more today.”
The next day I showed up 2 hours late and she apologized to me,
“I sorry, I took metro wrong way so I did not have time to get you Chinese liquor.”
So instead she had a 6 pack of beer waiting for me. I was pretty hungover because I had continued to rage the previous day and night so I was much less talkative.
“Why you quiet? Are you ok?”
I felt guilty about not being a loquacious amber salesman.
“No I am fine.”
“You more quiet today. Here, here, you sit down and drink beer. You want food?”
“No.”
“Ok I get you food.”
I drank the 6 pack in less than 25 minutes to my happy surprise, and sold the hell out of some jewelry. She kept feeding me alcohol and I barely remember getting paid 550 RMB for four and a half hours of "work."
Shanghai affords other opportunities similar to this one. I like doing voice work, recording passages for Chinese-English educational textbooks. It makes me wonder about the Spanish speakers who recorded all the audio comprehension I had listened to. Nothing lets you get a perspective like being on the other side.
I couldn’t believe that someone would pay me 50 euros an hour to read the simplest texts. Some of course were just ‘Run Spot Run’. Others, even with mistakes, provoked some intelligent thought: The education system prevented talented children from reaching their potential, or at least denied their ability to enjoy something like art or music they would otherwise appreciate through activity. That caused me to wonder if that is a ‘great filter’ that makes it possible for those who break through to be the Bach and Picasso who provide the 3rd kind of intelligence which is impossible for any advanced intelligence or group mind to achieve, reminding me of that great East of Eden quote about the lonely mind of man.
My recording partner was a great person, and she was attractive for sure, even if not to me. But in that moment I was reminded how sweet is the female voice. Sure, I knew that I loved singers like Madonna, the leader of Hereä or the part of a villancico that is for the ladies. It was honey, and what a small pleasure in this life to be paid to talk with she whom sounded like Helen herself. It brought a feeling to me that made it impossible for me to understand phone sex.
A different occasion, Rex Goliath wine or whoever distributes it here, had its big annual party/sales event. They needed someone to be the representative from the USA that had flown in. A white guy. So I agreed to take 2,400 kuai to go to a five star hotel two hours away from Shanghai and pretend.
The distribution boss, his wife and his manager picked me up and we made a stop to pick up a Chinese model that might have been too hot to be a stewardess even on Cathay Pacific or Emirates. So gorgeous that it was no turn off when, despite how classy she was, how richly dressed she was, she still ate the disgusting Chinese food at the dirty rest stop on the way there.
The hotel was magnificent. After 10 minutes of introductory bullshit I went to my room. My apartment in Shanghai is shitty and I hadn’t taken a bath since the resort I was in for New Year’s Eve 2012. I broke open the other soju bottle I brought, put on Light Fuse Get Away and soaked the afternoon away. If I were a reader, I would wonder whether I masturbated. She was too hot for that, just not realistic enough, more like a Disney cartoon princess or the idea of beauty than tangible beauty. So I thought of the manager instead.
I drank for free, somewhat cautiously, until my 2 minute speech. After that I watched the Russian and Chinese models dressed up in super skimpy angel costumes parade around the stage before the biggest buyers played strange games that involved opening large plastic eggs with prizes inside. At the end, played cards in the room with the manager and model without the happiest of endings.